Where Have I Been?

June 24, 2019


I took some time off writing to focus on some other things.

But I’m back and working on a new writing project and a new podcast.

More to announce soon.

Deadspin, Feature

What Should I Do If ICE Shows Up On My Doorstep?

March 29, 2017
What Should I Do If ICE Shows Up On My Doorstep?

I live in an area of the country that’s been seeing an increase in ICE activity where undocumented immigrants are detained and possibly deported. I’m a U.S.-born citizen. My neighbor is an undocumented immigrant and single mom. One of her kids was born in the U.S. and one was born in the country she came from. I like her. She’s a great neighbor, mom, and member of our community.

So, if ICE comes knocking at my door asking questions about her, do I have to answer? Do they need a warrant to ask questions or come in? Can I invoke any rights? I don’t want to get my neighbor in trouble. Is there anything I should be telling her? She doesn’t seem too concerned about the possibility of anything happening.

— Concerned Neighbor

I’m going to level with you: Lawyers don’t believe that good neighbors exist.

This is because (1) everyone we know is constantly asking us legal questions about their horrible neighbors and (2) nobody has ever filed a lawsuit about a neighbor being too good (except, of course, for the seminal case of United States v. Canada in the International Court of Manners and Politeness). So, it’s nice to get a question where you not only have a good neighbor, but the person asking the question wants to help the good neighbor.

No doubt, there’s increased visibility of ICE (US Immigration and Customs Enforcement) deportation activity right now. Let’s start with you, and then we’ll move onto your neighbor.

Read the rest of the column here at Deadspin.

Illustration by Sam Woolley.


The Russia Scandal is Starting to Sound Like a Question on the Law School Admission Test

March 3, 2017

Any lawyer or law student knows the dread that comes with an analytical reasoning question on the Law School Admission Test (LSAT). This section of the test is packed pure relational logic puzzles that describe fantastical worlds where sets of hypothetical people do very specific things: J never sits next to Q, D always plays piano after H plays the drums, etc.

These questions are a pain in the ass. Some people say they enjoy them. These people are assholes. Avoid them because they’re the same people you’re going to hate in law school and hate more later as a lawyer.

Anyway, with the Russia/Trump scandal ever growing — ballooning to a comical degree — and the GOP just sitting by idly — also to a comical degree — I noticed that the Russia ties are starting to look like an analytical reasoning question from the LSAT.

So I took a crack at writing one:

Read the rest here on Medium.


How My Brain Interprets the Illness-of-the-Week Email from My Kid’s Preschool

January 23, 2017

Hi, families! Your kid’s teacher, here.

Just wanted to give you all a heads-up that we’ve noticed a number of sick kids at school this week.

Symptoms appear to be related to a cold (including cough, stuffy nose, fever, and exhaustion), the flu (all the cold symptoms but take them up a notch), ebola (all the cold and flu symptoms but taken them up a few more notches, eye bleeding), or extreme whininess (none of cold, flu, or ebola symptoms in a physical sense, but that’s what it feels like to be around mentally).

If your kid isn’t currently sick, you can be sure that all of these symptoms will breach your house and destroy your entire family within 24 hours. You will then become infected yourself and be blamed for making your entire workplace sick, because as everyone knows that (i) Typhoid Mary had nothing on toddlers, and (ii) you have a toddler mostly because people with toddlers don’t shut up about having toddlers. By the end of the week, your personal life and career will be in shambles.

Read the rest here on Medium.

[Photo credit: wwworksCC BY 2.0]

Culture, Law

If You’re Protesting or Marching, Read This Primer on Getting Arrested

January 20, 2017

Hi. I’m a lawyer.

Masses of folks are protesting and marching this weekend for some crazy reason, and I’ve been getting questions on some basic legal things related to that. If all goes well, you shouldn’t get arrested. This is just in case.

As a simple primer, please check out my things here:

I also like these pieces here and here.

Here are some other things I’m thinking once you’re actually arrested or physically restrained:

Read the rest here on Medium.

[photo credit: Copyright tabor-roederCC BY 2.0]